My uterus as a playground

1/9/09

Sam has been talking about the babies more lately. Today, he seemed very put out upon learning that they do not have to wear clothes even though he does. And recently, a very concerned Sam asked me if the babies in my belly had any toys to play with. I answered no and Sam, disturbed by this news, said that we needed to get some to them. Every so often since then, I ask him what he thinks the babies are doing. Sometimes he thinks they’re sleeping, but mostly he thinks they are playing. So, I’m trying to envision what he thinks it looks like inside my uterus. I think he sees it as a sort of playground or maybe like his day care with a couple of cribs for them to nap in when they are tired. It’s like the first time I walked up all those stairs in the Statue of Liberty. I was certain after the claustrophobic ascent, there would be a little coffee shop or something at the top where we could stop and rest. Instead we only had a few minutes at the top to look out the observation windows at the top of the crown before being ushered back down the stairs of the narrow chamber. Once we got to the ground, I looked back up at Lady Liberty’s head while shaking my own. How exactly did I think a refreshment stand with tables and chairs was going to fit in there? So, I can understand the warped perception of what’s going on in my abdomen. However, I also think there may be some truth to it.

It seems like my bladder has been turned into a makeshift trampoline making me feel the need to pee whether or not it’s full. My intestines are being used as a ropes course based on the bouts of flatulence and constipation that even a half a bag of prunes a day can’t seem to remedy. And from the amount of back and hip pain I’m experiencing, I’m quite certain that the boys are looking for handholds and footholds in my pelvis and spine to begin their budding rock climbing careers. My first guess would be to say they’re learning to boulder, but technically they are always tied in by their respective umbilical cords. During certain excruciating moments, I wonder if they’ve also dislodged a kidney in order to play dodge ball.

So, yes Sam, the babies do have toys. They’re called viscera. I’ll be a little happier when we can hand them those puppets that you used to love so much and some teething toys.